An Explanation, An Apology, and Finding Myself Again

I realize I haven’t said much in the way of blogging–or writing, for that matter–and I felt I needed to come clean to those of you who read my blog and enjoy my books and expect more from me. I wasn’t aware that my “disappearance” was a problem until I found a Facebook message from a Wattpad fan wondering if I was okay, and I felt horrible–I never meant to leave anyone hanging. I’ve just…been going through a lot.

 

So first, I apologize. I haven’t been with it enough to keep updating. I’ve been submerged in depression and just Life In General. The holidays are always a stressful time for me, but all of this…stuff was happening earlier than that, so I can’t blame the time of year. I suffer from anxiety, and on top of that, I’m an extremely sensitive person–too sensitive. I take things too personally and then get myself down. I get overwhelmed easily and my way of escaping? Is to plug into music and blatantly avoid the Big Scary Thing, shut down and just stay far away.

 

And in this case, the issue was writing–and failure.

 

I want to succeed at this “writing thing”. So badly that it hurts. I’ve known I was supposed to be a writer for years…it’s what I’ve always loved to do, to create worlds and spin webs of words and characters and make people fall in love with them. I just have a hard time handling the “other side” of things–the people that *don’t* like my stuff. And that is FINE. People are so different, so complex and wonderful. Nobody HAS to like the same thing. Everyone has opinions. But I tend to take it personal, I think–I believe that they judge me, when in reality? They just didn’t enjoy my book. And it makes me freak out a little bit. Usually I bounce back.

 

But when I’ve lost my zest to even put words down on a page? When I can come up with cute ideas…but don’t know where to even start Chapter One? When I start *having* to write instead of writing because I *love* it? It completely drains me. I announced on both Wattpad and on my blog this summer that I was writing a sequel to Wolfsong–and that’s where I faltered. Because as much as I adore Shae and Aliel and the essence that is Wolfspirit–it’s one of the hardest books I’ve ever written. I started second guessing myself…and my love for writing just went out the window. I struggled for months, trying to make it come out the way I wanted it to.

 

What I have instead of a finished book, is half of a book and my confidence shaken up. So I apologize, but I’ve set it on the shelf. I want to finish it. I just…can’t right now. And that makes me feel like a failure lol.

 

I’ve tried making myself schedules, write x-many words a week, etc. And I just…it’s like pulling teeth to put every word down on the page and then I have to wonder, Do I have what it takes to be an author? God knows I want this, but am *I* a stable enough person to produce books that (some) people will enjoy?

 

I don’t know. And that makes me sad. It makes me scared.

 

I know that, had I this whole “publishing” thing to do over again? I would’ve come at it with a completely different angle. I’ve learned so much from this past year of indie publishing, and I’m glad. I have new ideas on how I want to tackle my next release. But right now?

 

I need a break. I realize that I may be forgotten, as an author, to my readers, but I can’t keep pushing myself to write when I don’t enjoy the craft. So I’m going to take time off and unplug. I’m going to write for me, not for publication. I need to find the love, the passion, and harness it again. I hope to stockpile up some novels to release mid-year. I have several series in my mind, in the works. I just need to find myself to write these books.

 

To everyone who’s read and enjoyed my books–any of them–I thank you. So much. And I hope that when I come back, you’ll continue to read my worlds.

 

I encourage you to “like” my Facebook author page, Kodilynn Calhoun.

This is where I’ll be updating everything from now on. I’m going to turn the website into less of a blog and more of a news slash reader hub. I’m working on making the site more user friendly and more fitting, so it’ll be a work-in-progress.

 

Thank you guys.

 

-Kodi

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8 thoughts on “An Explanation, An Apology, and Finding Myself Again

  1. Hey Kodilynn,

    As a reader of your work, i completely respect you and your decision. Writing takes time, and it’s meant to be fun and exciting, not feel like a chore. Don’t push yourself to write if your not enjoying doing it. Find yourself and pause for awhile, find inspiration and put yourself first. As much as i do love your writing, i’d rather you look after yourself and gain the confidence back that other fans of your work and myself know well. I’m not entirely sure about other opinions, (as you said before everyone is different which is completely normal and true) HOWEVER i feel that the only failure is the one who does not attempt at all, which is not you as far as i can tell. I have yet to be disappointed by any of your work, and by now i’m not even sure that’s possible ha ha. But enough of my rambles. I hope to see more of your writing in the future, but until then go find yourself and discover!!! Best of luck and best wishes in 2013!

    ~Ally

  2. Hi Kodilynn,
    I’m really sorry to hear about your trouble. I hope you work through it all and come out stronger on the other side. I know what depression is and what it can do to you! I just want to say that I think you’re a great author. I read Wolfsong and it had me sitting on the edge of my chair, wanting to know what’s going to happen next. Wolfspirit is also great! I definitely want to finish reading it, and I know it will be just as good as Wolfsong! Take your time recollecting yourself and try not to take things personally; I’ve got the same problem, and it is really hard to be like that! Like they say: you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all the people all of the time. Don’t write because people expect you to, write because it’s your passion and YOU wan’t to!
    Enjoy some leisure time!
    Regards
    Anzo25 (Wattpad)

  3. Hey! So I read this whole thing of yours. First of all, you’re an awesome writer. I mean Wolfsong was the first book I read when I started using Wattpad. And guess what? I was hooked! Damn, I was reading Wolfsong when my home ec teacher was blabbering about something. You truly have a talent. Secondly, this whole ‘finding yourself’ thing might work for you! And then you can update Wolfspirit when you feel like. Third, don’t mind the people who don’t like your book. It’s their opinion but there are a hell lot of people who LOVED your ideas. So I say, you take your time and update when you feel like it from within. Please don’t just update for the sake of it… Because, I know those just lead to bad chapters. Last but not the least, all the best in life! You’re a wonderful writer! 🙂 😀

  4. Pingback: Long-awaited Update and Cover Reveal! | Kodilynn Calhoun

  5. Hey! I think it’s perfectly ok to take a break from something when you think you’re struggling with it. Take all the time you need your fans on wattpad are still going to be there.

    Lots of love,
    Kristen 😛

  6. You are awesome because you put yourself out there, my writings are never seen by anyone but myself an my big black lab, Oliver, because I don’t want people not to like it, be offended by it or get angry if I am not updating quickly enough or doing the wrong plot twists.
    Writing is my favorite thing and is truly a form of art. People do not expect painters or dancers to force themselves. When someone’s heart is not into their writing it shows and you should take as much time as you want to love writing again. It is not something that I forced when I lose the ‘umff’ or strive to write I sit outside and watch the seagulls fly over the bay and I don’t think of any of my deadlines. I just breathe in the cool Maine breeze and relax.
    Relax! I know such a daunting prospect! Go somewhere that you love whether it be right outside your backdoor or a road trip by yourself or with people who care about you. I hope you get back your pizazz and overall I hope you feel good yourself.

    Happy relaxing 🙂

  7. Ms. Kodilynn Calhoun,

    I’m only fourteen, but your books have changed my perspective on what it means to write. From a young age I’ve had a lot of problems. My dad abused me for a long time, and it took a lot to finally stop it. I’ve got ugly scars, a bad attitude, and I don’t think about what I say before I say it, which has loaded on even more to my bullies’ repertoire. My only escape for years has been to read and write. I’m at the top of my class now and I’ve gotten farther with my writing than I’d ever planned.

    Despite my… “success,” I have a load of problems working to push me in the opposite direction of good. The way you write, though, the way you have pushed aside your insecurities and come to love what you’ve created has inspired me more than anything else. You have come to care for your readers, have developed a personal relationship with them through your writing, and it has impacted them so greatly. Your books change your readers existing ideas, and they have the power to change their lives.

    You are one of my biggest role models, so thank you.

    – Cameron Key

  8. Hey there Kodilynn,

    As one of your readers and fans, I understand completely what you’ve been through. Many times I’ve doubted myself and my writing and put it aside, and sometimes space is really all you need. I’ve only completed two stories in a series I wrote, and I’m still not happy with how it came out, but I’m still working on it. It’s great writers like you that inspire me to keep writing, in hopes that some day I’ll be as good as you. I just want to let you know that your fans will be here for you whenever you need us– I know I will be, because I know you have a true gift, and if writing is your dream then by all means make it come true, and if it turns out it isn’t, that’s your choice and nobody can force you to do what you don’t want to do. 🙂

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